Asor Letters

Lessons from Netflix’s The Wait

Movie lovers like myself may have already seen The Wait, one of Netflix’s new Nigerian movies. This film is simply about the lives of people who have had to wait for the joys of a job, marriage or childbirth.

The protagonist of the movie was a divorcee, waiting in hope of second marriage. She also had a support group made up of married women who were waiting on God to have children. Lastly, there was a young graduate who was unemployed and of course, frustrated with his situation.

I am certain that these are the stories of a lot of people in this country without conducting a survey. Life has stages, and it is expected that once one reaches adulthood, the person must find a job, get married and have kids. Obviously, we feel frustrated and disappointed when things don’t work out this way. It becomes even more daunting when ‘society’ becomes aware of your situation, and they remind you at every opportunity as if you need the reminder.

I cannot overstate the joy that these must bring to people once it is ticked off their list. Having a job that keeps you busy and puts food on your table is fulfilling. Falling in love with someone who feels the same way about you and wants to spend the rest of his/her life with you is electrifying. Looking into the eyes of your children, who look so adorable and innocent; gripping.

I do not doubt that the happiest people are those who are married, with their brilliant children and well-paid jobs. Yes, I am being sarcastic.

However, I do not blame the people who would go to any lengths to pursue and achieve these rites of passage. A young man nearly committed suicide because of his mother’s remarks about his jobless situation, so how do I blame the young lady who had to open her legs wide to secure a job?

My friend had a son and after five years, there was no other child. She had people telling her that she should hurry up and have another baby, preferably a girl; meanwhile, what these people did not know was that she had lost two pregnancies within that period. These reminders derailed all her efforts to forget the pain she had been through.

I would always tell her that she should try to endure since in our part of the world, people seem to have too much time on their hands to be meddling in other people’s affairs.

As for those of us who are not married, it is made to look like we are the cause of Ghana’s economic woes. The late Osinachi, may her soul rest in perfect peace, might have preferred her abusive marriage to being a divorcee all because of society.

The protagonist in the movie said that she succumbed to the pressure to marry; a marriage which lasted seven months because she clearly settled for what was available. Even those that you patiently wait for and do all the right things may not last. Ask DeVon Franklin and Meagan Good.

Nevertheless, as believers, we are supposed to have faith that is enduring enough to wait for God’s perfect timing. Isaiah 55:8 says that “for My thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways My ways.”

Fellow Ghanaians, you may be genuinely concerned, or you just do not know how to mind your business. Either way, do not go about telling people to marry or start making babies or find a job. You are not God.

Asor letters: Is dating really practicing divorce ?

Dear Sakyia,

Let me commend you on the beautiful letter that you wrote to me the last time. I am glad to know that Facebook, WhatsApp and the other messaging apps have not really succeeded in taking away your ability to put pen to paper to write long-winding letters like I used to do during my secondary school days.

Anyway, I have watched the video you talked about in your letter, where Pastor Mike Todd stated that the word ‘dating’ is not in the Bible. He basically concluded that engaging in a series of dating prepares one to learn how to divorce. I can understand your confusion on whether dating is good or bad owing to this statement. However, I do not think his concentration was on the merits of dating but on how it should be done. He encouraged young people to engage in ‘intentional dating’ where they get to know each other with God at the center. In inference, there is meaningless dating and intentional dating.

On Pastor Mike’s reference to dating being a stage for practicing divorce, you said that you disagreed with him but let me tell you a story that may affirm that statement. I have a friend called Ana who has been in quite a number of relationships. Some lasted long, others lasted as short as the President of Umuofia. After years of watching and listening to her talk about her failed relationships, I realized that it had gotten easier for her to walk away from them, although she seemed oblivious to it.

This brings to mind something Counselor Lutterodt said about the possibility of dating a number of people simultaneously in order to choose the one that best fits. People berated him as usual but that was when I got to know that there was a difference between dating someone and being in a relationship with someone. People go on dates to get to know each other by mostly talking about their fears, passions, plans etc. in order to assess each other’s eligibility for a committed and intimate relationship in the future.

It became normal to complain about what was wrong with the guys and justify why she could not continue the relationship or even consider marriage to them. If it wasn’t shy Essien finding it difficult to properly string English words together to form a coherent sentence, it was Muntari who was being hotheaded and short-tempered with her. When Dumelo was too handsome that she was afraid that he would cheat on her, Lilwyn’s ‘bulging’ eyes were too scary for her to introduce him to her family. I should have placed a bet on how long it would take for her to leave the man with the small penis, erm whatever his name was; I would have been a billionaire by now.

Eventually she settled down with Oppong and I still laugh whenever I remember their wedding hashtag, #opana2021. She did not want to be left out of the trend of hashtags such as #kency2020, #eviani2021 and the very latest one, #francey22.

I was happy that she had finally found true love, but guess what? She has started threatening divorce because she says her husband has changed. Apparently, he does not give her attention anymore, nor does he support her dream of becoming a lawyer anymore because he claims that legal education in Ghana is too expensive. On the face of it, I would say that the Pastor was right because instead of Ana working to find solutions to the problem, her first reflex is to suggest divorce because walking away is what she is used to.

Conversely, there is my cousin Nyamekye. We nicknamed her ‘one week celebration’, you know why? Because most of her relationships lasted for just one week. Today, Nyamekye is in one of the most enduring marriages I have ever seen and she’s still going strong. She always jokes that divorce is not in her dictionary. So Sakyia you see, there is no black or white template where this subject is concerned.

Moreover, if we are to take the stance that dating is bad because it unconsciously teaches us how to walk away from ‘bad’ relationships, then we might have to go back to Bethlehem where people were being betrothed like Joseph and Mary or opt for arranged marriages.

As you have decided to start dating, know that you would meet all sorts of people. The temptation to move from Agya Adu to Caleb will be there, especially if things don’t seem to be working out; after all there are many fishes in the sea, right? Also know that you might have to kiss frogs and antelopes before finding your prince. Unless you strike gold like the Nigerian actress Omotola, who got married from her first relationship, this is the kind of experience you would have to go through before settling down. This must not make you afraid to go out there and make good or bad choices. Indeed, how will you even know unless you try?

In my view, there is no guarantee that even if you do this “intentional dating” the pastor talked about, you can get to know all the surfaces and depths of a person. Again, there’s no guarantee that you will get the ring if you are able to perform the Lufthansa or Wheelbarrow styles in bed. You are still young; love and allow yourself to be loved. If something is fixable, fix it because ‘nowhere cool’; however, do not live all your life trying to fix something that is broken beyond repairs.

Always remember that life has got a mind of its own but at the end of the day, we would be presented with choices and you must necessarily choose. If it goes well, hallelujah; if it doesn’t go well…

Do you know the kind of songs that I listen to when it gets all confusing? Heaven Knows by Osibisa says, “…we will get there, heaven knows how we will get there, we know we will…” or the equally soul-satisfying words of Doris Day and Frank De Vol ‘Que sera, sera, whatever will be, will be…’

Have fun figuring it out my dear. It will all be well.

Asor Letters: Champions League, COVID-19 and sex

First published on April 8, 2020 when Ghana was on a lockdown

Dear husband,

Would it come as a surprise to you if I told you that I wish the football season never got suspended?

Yeah! I am certain you would open your mouth while reading this letter but do well to close it lest houseflies find a new abode.

I admit to all the times I nagged your behavior whenever the football season started, but I refuse to accept all the blame since you decided to choose the Champions League over me. I’m sure if there were Losers League, you would have still preferred that to spending quality time with your wife.

You know, the only times that I was a football fanatic was when Ghana Black Stars had a match or whenever I saw a fine boy on the park with the twenty-two men chasing one ball. That is how I ended up an Arsenal fan some years ago because of Theo Walcott. Now, I do not even know the name of the Arsenal coach.

Nonetheless, I tolerated your obsession with watching football for hours and ignoring me as if you lived by yourself. You could not even pretend to enjoy my company every time I joined you to watch the matches.

How was I supposed to understand what was happening on the field if I didn’t ask questions like why the referee’s blowing his whistle when someone is clearly about to score a goal? Why doesn’t he wait for the goal to be scored before saying it’s a foul or whatever? Sometimes I would hide the TV remote from you which worsened my plight as you would go out to watch the matches with your friends in pubs.

During those lonely moments, I would quickly blame your actions on your passion for football and hug myself to sleep. I did not wish to accept that my husband is glaringly and shrewdly denying me any sort of intimacy.

Ever since we got back from our honeymoon, I can actually count the number of times we have had sex. I had no inkling that I possessed the abilities to seduce my husband or any man for that matter, yet I find myself literally begging you for sex. How did this happen? I thought men were the chasers.

As an adoring girl growing up, my Pentecost Church Sunday School teachers made sure the thought of sex alone was an abomination. In a way, I concede that it was one of the reasons why it took me so long to agree to be your girlfriend.

We are not in normal times as this Pandemic is wiping away all the smirks and smiles off our faces, but in a twisted kind of way, I was hoping that this lockdown would grant us a fresh start since there’s no more football or any kind of balling going on. Seeing as we have now been forced to be in each other’s presence 24/7, I found no reason for you, my husband, to still be stingy with sex.

Yet you have developed a new attribute – from celibate husband to paranoid husband. You consume all sorts of news on COVID-19 whether they are true or false. It is ok to be cautious and smart in these times but I could still not fathom why you moved to the second bedroom, drowning any chance of showing you my newly learnt seduction skills as if Corona Virus is sexually transmitted.

This would have been a perfect opportunity for us to bond in a dance to Lord Paper’s new song Asabone, but since you will not grant me an audience, this is my sanitized letter for you to come back to your senses before Akufo-Addo declares that the lockdown is over.

If there’s anything that this period has taught me, it is that, we should learn to be appreciative and not take things for granted, like the rare moments I get to watch you cheer your team to victory or loss.

Remember however that our marriage is not a football game because the day any of us loses is the day we play the finals as a couple.

–

Your Disgruntled Sex-Starved Wife

Korkor

Asor Letters: Get out of that abusive relationship!

Dear Verna,

I really wish I was in the right frame of mind as I write to you on this wet Sunday morning. I believe you have heard of the pastor who killed his wife in the United States of America; you were the first person I thought of when I heard the sad news, as it appears that, they had had an abusive relationship until the unfortunate incident.

Before I proceed however, I need you to forgive me for what happened the last time you were at my place to seek refuge from Sampson. I’m sorry I got angry and threw you out. I just did not understand why I had to keep telling you to leave him, when all you do is to return to him to receive the same kind of treatment, days afterwards.

Initially, I refused to give my judgment on the matter because I am not married, and just as he emphatically pointed out to you after the wedding, “a married woman cannot continue to keep the company of her single friends.” Therefore, I decided to stay in my lane, more so, after he had succeeded in getting you away from your own family members.

I knew he was manipulating you to keep you to himself so that you would become dependent on him for everything, but I kept my mouth shut. After all, I wasn’t going to be a prophet of doom for the marriage that I was so involved with the wedding preparations. Up until today, I am happy whenever I remember how beautiful you looked on that day and how the whole ceremony could have shamed the devil to go into hiding, if he wasn’t already.

I prayed that the blessings of that day would erase your many squabbles and disagreements and that finally, your tears would turn into laughter. I hoped that he would stop his constant criticisms of you and your achievements. You were so in love and did not listen to any of us when he would control your every movement, scream at you and disrespect you, even in front of us, your roommates, when we were in school.

I was absolutely shocked that day when he dragged you out of the Uber that was taking us to Kelvin’s birthday party. You told us he was just jealous of Kelvin, meanwhile Kelvin was friends with all four of us and even had his own girlfriend. We should have all insisted you leave that toxicity, maybe your grades at that time would not have plummeted so badly.

Looking at recent events during the COVID-19 lockdown period, I am sure the marriage counseling sessions that your parents forced you to go to did not work out either. Hmm, how does one counsel a lunatic? Yes, I am calling your husband a lunatic, with no apologies this time.

He is not the only person who has lost his job during these trying times. That excuse you gave of his behavior the last time was what made me angry, even after he did not hesitate to introduce his fists to your face when you returned home from work, later than usual. For the record, I did not believe you when you said that was the first time he had hit you.

Verna, we all love you, I hope you know that? You are kind, caring and an amazing woman; you deserve every good thing in this life, do not let anyone tell you otherwise. I have missed my best friend, the assertive and independent-minded woman that was you, before you met Sampson, and your light stopped shining. You refused to speak up anymore because you wanted to be the submissive wife; you refused to walk out of danger because the ‘danger’ made you accept that you were the problem.

At any time that you receive this missive, you can pack up your things and come over, my home is yours too. Although I have never been in an abusive relationship and I might not be able to appreciate all that you have been through, I am certain that you can get through this. I have already asked Kelvin about what he did to get away from his abusive relationship with Marie, as she had threatened to commit suicide if he ever left her.

First, you need to consider working on yourself in developing an unshakable self-confidence. Trust in your abilities and know your worth; you cannot wait for people to endorse you before you take a step. Otherwise people like Sampson who seem to always be in a bad mood would not hesitate to bring you down to their level, so that you all feel miserable together. Get into your social life again; when your colleagues are going on a picnic or a retreat, do not give excuses anymore about why you cannot join them. I am already planning an Akosombo trip for us, including Eyram and Kukua.

Though it feels like everything is crashing around you, do not blame yourself for how your marriage has turned out. We all make mistakes, but we must not let them define us. The people you are worried about in church did not live your life, let them gossip. Besides, I am happy that you were able to save some of your salary without his knowledge; he cannot continue to use money as leverage over you anymore.

I don’t know what you would do if he chooses to get treatment or help for his condition. But I am here for you and would support whatever decision you make. However, if you go back to him and he so much as touches a hair on your head, I’ll finish dialing the police this time. I will not wait for you to get killed so that I can make Facebook posts about how I could have saved your life.

I hope to see you soon Verna. I’ll cook jollof for you… LOL!

Your bestie,

Asor.

Asor Letters: How sexual escapades with my teacher ruined my life

Dear Edem my love,

Putting pen to paper on this day is one of the most difficult things that I have ever had to do. I am about to disclose something that happened to me, way back in Junior High School, which even my parents have never heard about.

Well, unless this letter finds another way into their hands, they will still be in the dark about what their daughter suffered at an age, when I tried and failed to put on a brassiere to hold basically nothing on my chest.

Before I met you, I had had much difficulty in sustaining any meaningful romantic relationship, ever since I legally became of age to be in one.

This was due to the fact that, for most of my life, I had used sex as a bargaining chip to get what I wanted. Ever since you caught me ‘in the act’ with my boss and subsequently initiated the divorce, I have debated with myself on how to explain my actions, albeit inexcusable.

On the day my class was marched from the Primary School to the Junior High School, we were so happy. It was as though we had finally been launched into adulthood. As adolescents, we were not ignorant of the changes in our bodies.

While the boys were growing taller and developing deep voices, the girls were developing a breast or two; some small, some big.

Those days, we did not give much thought to whether somebody’s buttocks was big or small. Obviously, there were no phones or social media pages, to tell us what we should look like or how to pose, in a bid to thrust what was ‘not there to be there’.

I remember that my best friend began to menstruate around that same time and we had absolutely no idea what to do about it. We then went to the school washroom, where I gave her my nice handkerchief to use… Well, what did I know?

I can answer that I did not know much when I got into JHS; and yet, my Math teacher had set his predatory eyes on me.

At the time, I was pleased that he chose to be extra patient with me, so that I could understand what he was trying to teach me. He unsurprisingly became my favorite teacher even though I could not say the same thing about his subject.

After a morning assembly one day, Mr. Odum ‘cornered’ me to say that he liked me and would want me to be his girlfriend. I covered my face and started giggling, thinking that he was playing around with me.

“Seriously, in what world do I look like somebody’s girlfriend?” I thought. Then he shushed me and begged me to never tell anyone what he had just said – not even my best friend, Asana. Afterwards, he advised me to stay away from the small boys, as they could ruin my future. He, on the other hand, would take very good care of me; and then he gave me some money for lunch.

As a child growing up in a low-class home and neighbourhood, nobody had paid much attention to me, so I liked that Mr. Odum had noticed me. Nevertheless, I did not say yes to his advances, which turned out to be my biggest ‘mistake’ at that time.

My favorite teacher unexpectedly turned me into his ‘punching bag’ or was it ‘caning bag’? He found all sorts of excuses to beat me in class; if my mates made a mistake, I would get beaten. If I failed any other subject, he would volunteer to lash me, even if that was not the punishment for it. I had undoubtedly failed Mathematics, before I ever got the chance to write a Mathematics examination.

After a while, I became less enthused about school and dormant in class, which my friends noticed. They asked me what was happening and so I decided to open up to them. That was how I learnt that Mr. Odum was not the only teacher using the pupils to ‘pick his teeth.’ In fact, one of the girls bragged that she was enjoying her relationship with the French teacher, as she had help not only in French, but in other subjects as well.

I took her advice and my life turned around for the ‘better’, in the school. My first sexual encounter happened in Mr. Odum’s house, on a weekend when I was supposed to be having extra classes. He was impatient and demanding; I wished to never go back there again, but I could not count the choices that I had, if any.

These escapades continued, until he left the school two years later when his fiancée found us out and she had threatened to leave him if he did not transfer from the school.

The sordid affair with my teacher ended, but I was not the same girl anymore. I had transformed from that timid, shy girl to a brazen young Miss and I was not afraid to go after what I wanted.

I did not have much difficulty in studying to pass my exams by myself, yet I wanted to replace Mr. Odum, in order to continue receiving favours – needed or not.

So the prey-turned-predator in me initiated other relationships, with another teacher, as well as the most brilliant guy in the school.

Yes, I passed out with ‘dirty’ flying colours, but I did not care. And this is how I went through Senior High School and thus, the University. If I was not seeking ‘help’ from a lecturer, it would be a course mate or a teaching assistant. As usual, none of this was for free…

When you walked in on my boss and I two weeks ago, I was banging my way to a promotion that I was not sure I deserved.

You conclude that I am just a dreadful person. My parents believe I have been bewitched. My pastor is getting ready with his anointing cum deliverance oil.

I am going to make a confession as I have decided to strip myself bare before you today. I was diagnosed with sexual addiction last year but I did not take it seriously. Now I am ready to admit that I have a serious problem and I am prepared to go through the right kind of treatment to save myself and us.

Know that I would do anything to save our marriage, but I do not think I can go through this without you by my side.

Please forgive me, Edem.

Your remorseful wife,

Asor.

Asor Letters: Just like Sarkodie, I would stay with a cheating partner

Dear Ewurama,

I do not know whether to be thankful to you or to be angry at you, for dragging me to go and see my husband in the throes of passion with another woman. I must admit that it was not a pleasant experience to see the man who had taken sacred vows with me to be doing such a shameful thing.

For months, I had observed some changes in his general demeanor and activities. He had begun to spend way too much time on his phone, sometimes doing so deep into the night.

He would come home later than usual and either lie or get offended, whenever I asked him about it. His mood swings during that time were worse than a pregnant woman who had been denied her cravings for the day.
It was even more confusing when around the same time, he would do everything that any good husband and father would do for his family.

The children and I lacked nothing; in fact, there was an increase in our daily provisions if anything at all. Therefore, I did not hasten to draw any conclusions, to avoid poking a sleeping lion.

You and I have witnessed how people cheat in relationships, causing those unions to end prematurely. Do you recall when Auntie Naomi’s boyfriend of eight years started cheating on her; how she blamed the other woman of entrancing him?

Those were the days when she became a staunch Christian, attending all of the prayer meetings which were organized in the neighborhood. After the ‘battle of forces’, the other woman’s magic might have been too strong, as she got the ring leaving Auntie Naomi to cry herself into madness.

In another instance, I heard about a husband-to-be who brought his ex-girlfriend to his bed on the eve of his wedding day. The wife-to-be got wind of this but went ahead to marry him anyway.

The wife left after three years of trying to change a chronic cheater, who had no plans of changing to save his life. Some years ago, if I had heard something like this, I would vow never to allow myself to become a statistic of such ‘stinking relationships’. I harbored thoughts similar to your presumption that people cheat because they are purely evil.

I will not be the one to say you are wrong in your thoughts, but I also reflect that as far as human beings are different, there could be reasons (good or bad) why people cheat. My husband was certain that his affection for me was dead; that is why he sought the feelings of passion and belonging in the arms of another woman.
His mistake was his ignorance of the fact that love or the feeling that makes people act googly-eyed, especially in the early stages of a relationship, usually diminishes with time. Many of the couples who have been together for decades do not exist because they are still in love.

They persist on mutual respect and shared interests that would be too costly to let go of. Likewise, there are ways and means for couples to revive their love so that they do not lose themselves and their affection.

I know of a marriage that ended because the woman had cheated. Her reason was that she had never loved her husband and was very frustrated in her marriage.

She had to ‘settle’ for him, because she had feared that she might end up alone and she had also been anxious to escape the pressure from her family.

Eventually, she met the man she would have loved to marry and that was when their tryst began.
Her husband left after she got caught.

To answer your question of whether I would leave my marriage or not, the answer is No; I am not leaving my husband, not now anyway.

He reacted badly because we had grown apart from each other emotionally. I was aware of this problem. The only difference between us is that I chose not to do anything about it; be it negative or positive.

Now, I am making a conscious decision to try to work things out with him, in rekindling our love for each other, by spending quality time together as husband and wife – and not just parents.

I read something somewhere that said, “Be careful what you tolerate in a relationship, as you are teaching your partner how to treat you.”

This is true, but I also reason that we all deserve second chances, especially so, when the offending party is willing to accept his or her faults and work on himself or herself.

Believe me when I tell you that, if this had been a situation where he had refused to accept the error of his ways or to change, I would not have hesitated to kick him to the curb, when my tolerance level inevitably would have worn out.

I have observed the immediate reaction of people who disagree with what Sarkodie and Efya say in their song “Saara”. The contention is that, how could anyone forgive a partner who has cheated and worse, continues to be in that relationship? Interestingly, these arguments are mostly from my single friends, like you.

Ewuraa, this is my choice and I would entreat you to respect it. Thank you, however, for looking out for me.

Love……..

Asor Letters: When a ‘borga’ asked for my nude pictures

Dear Abena,

After our phone conversation last night, I have had the chance to think through what you told me and like I said, this is not the first time that I have heard of a ‘borga’ asking for naked pictures or videos from a girlfriend down here.

Until you mentioned our childhood friend Fiifi and his marriage proposal, I only had fading memories of our time together, which ended two decades ago.

Nevertheless, I was delighted to hear that he had sent his mother to tell your parents about his desire to marry you soon after he arrives in Ghana, this December. And now a couple of weeks after getting reacquainted with you, he is asking you to take pictures of yourself naked, for him.

Even though you would prefer him to get to know the kind of person you are with your clothes on, he has reiterated that seeing your nakedness is the only thing that will seal his decision to marry you. Hmm ɛden oo!

Here is my own story. Bennett and I met on Facebook, but we proceeded to use every accessible social media site to propagate our agenda of being together as a ‘couple’. There is a general perception that long distance relationships do not last, but I suppose things are a bit easier for us, the internet generation. We would chat and make audio and video calls, which would often last deep into the night, just as any normal couple would do.

He was everything that I ever wanted in a man; his physique, his level of intelligence, his sense of humor and even his financial status (as had been revealed by him). We shared everything about ourselves – or so I thought. Three months later, I had fallen in love with no hope of salvation. I grew to trust and respect him so much that when he asked me for nude pictures of myself, I did not hesitate to click away all my clothes.

This phase metamorphosed into having phone sex, which I became accustomed to after a while. I started dreaming of what the ‘real action’ would be like, since it felt as if I had already shared the most intimate things of myself with him.

I was not so naïve, as to have failed to have recognised that we had never met in person and so I must tread cautiously. However, I was also of the view that I had to ‘give it my all’ if there were any chance of the relationship surviving.

One day, I got a message from an unknown ‘abrokyire’ number, which I later got to know belongs to one of his friends. We started chatting and all of a sudden, this guy starts babbling about how he admires my long legs and would like to “know me some more”. I was taken aback for a while, so I inquired if he knew I was dating his friend. He confirmed that he knew about it, but his friend wouldn’t mind since he has on many occasions seen the things that I’ve been sending to my boyfriend.

My head started reeling and I dropped my phone, as though I had been burnt. I could not believe that the person, whom I had come to know over the period would do this.

Hours later, I calmed down enough to question my supposed boyfriend and he appallingly admitted to sharing everything with his friends and said that they also share such things with him. Immediately, the scales began to fall off of my eyes. I wondered if anything that I knew of my six-month old internet relationship was real. Did I see what I had wanted to see or had I misread what was presented to me?

It is normal to find lovers in short or long distance relationships making certain demands of each other, be it conventional or not. This particular situation appears universal; therefore, it may not be so bad for some couples to exchange nude photos, particularly those who are so comfortable with each other’s bodies.

I do understand where Fiifi is coming from as well, because, people consciously or unconsciously have a set of attributes which they would like to see in a potential partner; including physical assets. Hence, as distant lovers, I believe Fiifi wants to convince himself that what he’s seeing in clothes, over a digital medium is what he’s going to get, when it has finally been unwrapped.

Speaking of which, the internet presents a medium where we can stay connected to our relations. What we need to remember, however, is that the internet never forgets. Your innocent actions could blow up in your face big time, if something like your nude pictures were to get into the wrong hands.

It is possible that Fiifi would not dream of doing anything remotely close to what Bennett did to me, but the question is what if someone else chances upon these images?

Well, I’m glad to know that you have not given in to the pressure, as he has refused to answer your calls or return them for the past week. This is absolutely your decision to make. Marriage is important my dear friend; but find someone who will respect your boundaries without questioning every move you make.

Till I hear from you again, walk with your shoulders high and do not second guess your principles, for anyone.

Cheers!!!

Asor Letters: How I got over my ex

My dearest Nadia,

I did not wish to reply to your persistent questions about how I overcame my ‘hot served’ broken heart, because I did not want to remember what I had gone through.

However, I am not oblivious to how your recent break up with Nana Yaw has affected you. Your sister tells me that you have refused to eat or to step out of the house. I understand how utterly disheartening it is to lose the love of someone, whom you dreamt of spending the rest of your life with.

From the first day Osei asked me to be his girlfriend, I imagined everything from the threads and all of the stitched corners of my wedding dress to the jewelry and shoes which I’d wear on my big day. Before long, I had concluded on the colours and the venue for our wedding, without his knowledge.

In my mind I was thinking; Why date someone, if it will not lead to marriage? This is the one-track mindset that took me through five solid years of a relationship and broken heart that was hard to recover from.

Throughout the relationship, I would blame myself for every misstep and would make excuses for his behavior. All of my female friends either had fiancés, or were getting married. Thus, I would rather be in a lonely relationship than become single.

I felt as though I was responsible for whether the relationship survived or not. In the unfortunate situation where it didn’t, then I wouldn’t be good enough or I lacked the ‘skills’ to keep a man. So you can understand how getting dumped destroyed what little was left of my self-esteem.

In the beginning, I was in denial; I convinced myself that the relationship was not over.

I reminisced over the good times and the things we shared together; our hopes, our fears, our bodies and probably our souls. I cried that I had lost the love of my life. I prayed that this would turn out to be just a nightmare. I hoped that he would realise his mistake and come back to me.

Listening to love songs from Celine Dion and Westlife became a timely hobby that unfortunately did nothing to lessen my grief. I took to stalking him on all social media platforms including Snapchat (where I couldn’t fathom why people would want to parade every second of their life to the world).

Friends and family kept prescribing their own versions of how I could overcome this ‘tragedy’. All the while I was brooding over him and hoping he would come back, he had moved on quite easily and taken on other ‘projects.’ And so, after 10 months of moping around in self-pity, I started off by deleting messages, pictures and every reminder of him.

I discovered how to accept myself and to cultivate my self-esteem, in order not to give in to the temptation of finding another boyfriend, simply to fill the void in my life. So instead of a rebound relationship, I involved myself in productive activities at work and in church, to occupy my time.

If you would remember, that was the time, during which I joined Citi FM/TV’s Heritage Caravan on a tour of Ghana where I had so much fun and consequently made new friends to build my social circle. I also began to enjoy my alone time and learnt not to seek recognition or happiness from others.

Fairy tales about love and marriage have been delivered to us since time immemorial on TVs and in Harlequin books, for those who liked to read. The concept of finding ‘The One’ otherwise known as ‘Soul mate’ is a lifelong mission of many people. Honestly, who doesn’t like the Kumkum Bhagya kind of love?

I have been in a total of three relationships in my lifetime, but I am still not married. I do not believe it is because marriage doesn’t like me but the truth is, not all relationships end in marriage. One reason why I still held on after the break-up was not because I loved Osei too much, but because I had been conditioned to think that no matter what happens, we must end up together.

Nadia, right now you might think love is painful but I don’t think self-love can hurt. Get to know yourself in these moments and learn to lean on yourself for love, so that there isn’t the need to depend on someone to feel good about YOU.

Fall and stay in love for the right reasons; at least you will know you did your best if things go south. Do not be like the people who stay in abusive and toxic relationships because they don’t know any better. Yes, it is likely you will not find someone like Nana Yaw again, but you could certainly find someone better than him.

Be good to yourself and be happy. I love you, girl.

Cheers!!!

Mistreatment of unmarried women in Ghana justifies feminist anger

Feminism is basically advocating women’s rights and equality of the sexes. Feminist groups have been springing up to fight for women’s rights since time immemorial. One such group that has popped up in Ghana recently is the ‘Pepper Dem Ministries’ whose main objective is to compel people to ‘unlearn toxic narratives.’

Some men dared their armoury for seeking to question the status quo and the women bared their teeth against them. The narrative out there is that these women want to challenge the men in their lives or they behave this way ‘because they don’t have men in their lives’

Honestly, I wasn’t a fan of any of these groups – not that I was against their mission – but a series of events happened recently that has warranted this write-up and inspired a complete change of mind about them.

I visited the laboratory to take some tests and the lab technician as a way of easing me into the tests started a conversation. He asked if I had a boyfriend to which I replied in the negative. This guy was practically shocked to learn that a beautiful young woman in her late 20s was single; oh yes, he pointed it out to me that I was almost 30 years old.

Obviously, I was embarrassed but he didn’t seem to notice. He continued questioning me to find out why I was single as if that was a disease he wanted to find a cure to, once he was done drawing blood from my hand. The questions about marriage or lack thereof did not even irk me so much as some incidents I later witnessed in a space of 30 minutes in a ‘trotro’ from Legon to Lapaz.

My driver wanted to move into the road from the bus stop so he was trying to stop some of the oncoming vehicles. A few ignored him until two ladies in a Sedan got to our stop. The driver’s remark, to paraphrase was “oh women, allow us to go, it is men like us that will marry you!”

You need to see this driver, and the kind of women he was referring to. It was okay that the male drivers did not stop their cars for him to go but women cannot do that to him, after all, he’s a man. To top it all off, there was a male hawker at the Lapaz bus stop fighting with a woman who had a baby strapped at her back. The last thing I heard the man say was “if you were a good woman you would not have ended up a single mother!!!”

That was the moment it dawned on me that as women, we are always going to be measured in terms of whether we have men in our lives or not. Some people will argue these are not educated people but it will interest you to know the number of the so-called educated Ghanaians who think and behave this way. Gone are the days when men/husbands were the only breadwinners and women/wives stayed home to process the bread.

Women, nowadays, strive to pursue careers and attain higher heights. While such a feat is celebrated for the man, even the unmarried one, a woman in that same category may be celebrated usually only when she has a man in her life, even if he’s a ‘madman.’

This is so sad it has engineered the whole existence of a woman into finding ‘that’ man as well as finding a place in this life. The fact that she is a graduate, has a career and is able to take care of herself and sometimes family does not count for anything, after all, she’s not married.

In actuality, if the behaviours of these men are anything to go by, then the anger of some of these advocacy groups is justified. People’s views on women and marriage in these contemporary times cannot continue to be the same as in the ‘stone age.’

Let’s teach ourselves to change these toxic narratives to give our young boys and girls a new way of seeing the world such that it won’t matter who IS or ISN’T in their lives.

Feminists are the new ‘rebels’ in a man’s world. I have never seen rebels being celebrated so keep up the good fight, for we shall surely win one day.

Asor letters: Are ladies materialistic or are guys just stingy?

Dear Asem,

I enjoyed the movie selections that you made for me the other day, but I would like more of the Crime and Action kind of movies next time.

Forgive me for not getting back to you earlier, but I have thought about the issues you’re having with Efua and how your six-month-old relationship is being threatened. Although I do not consider myself an expert on relationships, I hope my two pence will help you to resolve this problem.

As a young graduate, who recently landed a job, I understand how your salary is not much to support your lifestyle not to talk of spending your hard-earned money on someone else. Yet your girlfriend continues to ask for money to expend on ‘frivolous’ things. On days when you are able to meet her request, you still cannot fathom why you should do it, since you’re not her father. The most annoying bit of it all is that she also has a job, but finds it convenient to take your money. Thus, you conclude that she is materialistic, a gold digger.

Let me tell you a story about a couple, whom I know; they live in my neighbourhood.

Kwaku and Ohemaa have been together for three years. Kwaku works at the Ports, but has a business on the side, while Ohemaa is a salaried worker; just as we are. The lady says that her boyfriend is a very generous man, much unlike anyone whom she has ever met. He gives her money even when she hasn’t asked for it because according to him, he likes to take care of his woman. He provides everything from the tips of her hair to the soles of her feet – such as hair pieces, jewellery, make-up accessories, clothes, underwear and shoes.

I’m told that some guys go to the extent of providing accommodation and buying cars for their women, all in a bid to make their lives as comfortable as possible. You know the best part? They don’t even feel the dent in their pockets. They have, so they splurge. Now I’m asking; is Ohemaa materialistic, because she collects all of these goodies, or her case is different because she doesn’t ask for it?

The proverb “cut your coat according to your cloth” existed before Amakye Dede made his song “Sokoo na mmaa pɛ,” yet people continue to go in for people they cannot ‘handle’. I don’t see why Efua’s tastes should change, simply because you can’t pay up. In the same manner, you shouldn’t kill yourself to impress her. Also, the fact that she asked you for money does not necessarily make her materialistic as you claim. Trust me, if she was looking for a gold mine, your concession wouldn’t qualify.

Your fear is that she will leave you when she meets someone who can meet her needs. I am sure you have heard stories of when a man took a woman through school and she ended up leaving him because her preference had changed. Conversely, a woman supported a man through hard times and the day he became rich, he left her for a sophisticated woman who could ‘chop’ his money. Yes, it is unfair but this life is full of choices.

As a woman, I am careful, when it comes to choosing a life partner. I can decide to be emotional or rational about it, depending on what I am looking for. My biological make-up enables me to have children if I want to. With this mindset, any decision I make should have the future of my children in the calculation.

I don’t know which mother would like to see their children go hungry or homeless. Therefore, I go for a man based on how secure my children and I will be; meaning he should be accomplished or have the potential to succeed. I might be equipped to provide for my children by myself, but believe it or not, Dangote is still working for money. The only excess with my approach will be the situation where I meet a rich man and I am with him solely for his money; that is the day I become a gold digger with a degree.

Thus in making your own choices as well, I will advise you to get to know who you are and your limitations, to let you know the right ones to make. Lay down your cards to Efua and let her understand what you can offer or not, after all it is a relationship not a marriage. If it’s possible, you can use this time to hustle hard and become more suitable for the kind of woman you want. Ultimately, your peace of mind is what is important.

So Asem take it easy; get yourself a khebab you can afford, a beer you can afford and get a ‘Cassette’ of Tupac. Play and dance to his song ‘That’s just the way it is…’

Till we talk again, take care and be happy!

Asor.